


fade me away, i won't ever be the same

by lostariels



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Goodbyes, Identity Reveal, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Lies, Love Confessions, Reconciliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-11-02 01:23:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20574416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostariels/pseuds/lostariels
Summary: After Lena finds out Kara's Supergirl and has been lying to her the whole time, she leaves National City without a word to anyone, catching a bus with the intention of getting as far away from her as possible, only to be tracked down by the caped hero.Confronting Kara on her lies, hidden feelings are confessed and wounded pride gets in the middle of things, with Lena unsure of whether she'll ever be able to look at the woman she loves in the same way ever again. Hurt and betrayed, Lena says goodbye, putting some time and distance between the two of them as she tries to come to terms with the truth about who Kara really is and the conflicting feelings she has towards her.





	fade me away, i won't ever be the same

**Author's Note:**

  * For [triangleshape19](https://archiveofourown.org/users/triangleshape19/gifts).

She packed a bag under the cover of night, her apartment dark as Lena shoved handfuls of tailored pants and silk shirts, pencil skirts and cashmere sweaters, into a supple leather duffel bag. Her hands trembled from the drink and her eyes burned from the hours spent crying in her office earlier on in the evening, before she’d managed to drag herself home to her penthouse and purchase a ticket on the next Greyhound out of National City. 

Lena didn’t care where it was going, only that it was far away. The price was a pittance to her, and it would’ve been quicker and easier to lose herself in Europe or South America, disappearing amidst the crowds on the streets of Paris of Rio, but it would be easier to track her digital trail if she did that. The DEO would manage it in a matter of minutes, and Lena was angry and hurt and confused, and she wanted to be left alone. That’s all she wanted.

A Greyhound would give her the option to stop at any point along the way, switch routes if that’s what it took to hide her trail, so she packed all of her meagre belongings she’d brought with her from Metropolis, running away then too, and shoved them into her bag with the intention of never coming back again. Never looking into Kara’s eyes and having to feel the knife in her chest twisted some more as bitter betrayal rose within her. It would be too much for her to endure.

There was only so much that Lena could take, and this was one of the things she couldn’t. It had been a slap in the face to watch the video play as she stood over her brother’s dying body, devastation crashing into her, not because she’d pulled the trigger on her own blood, but because the only person that had ever made her feel cared for, accepted for who she was and cherished by their friendship, had been lying to her this whole time. Perhaps she had reason to, or perhaps Kara had never viewed her as anything but a Luthor. All Lena knew was that she’d never felt such shattering pain before as her whole world was rocked by the news.

Even at that moment, whiskey warming her from the inside as it made her unsteady and her mind foggy, it was unbearable to even think of Kara, making her wince as her mind strayed toward her. There had been so many signs, and Lena had blinded herself to them all. All she felt now was humiliating and heartbreak, and she swallowed thickly as she smoothly zipped up the bag and hauled it onto her shoulder.

Dressed in jeans and a leather jacket, she slipped out of the dark and made her way down to the lobby, hollow-eyed and sick with shock, standing on the sidewalk in the pouring rain as she stared at the starburst headlights of cars rushing past. Eventually, a yellow cab pulled up alongside the curb, and Lena settled onto the cracked seats in the back of the car, head spinning, clothes damp, and the hot air running through the vents making her feel sick.

Cracking open the window, she leaned her head against the doorframe, breathing in the damp, cold air as it gratefully caressed her flushed cheeks, the driver pulling back into traffic as she mumbled the name of the bus station she was heading toward. Settling in for the drive, she stared out of the window with glassy eyes, street lights illuminating the interior at intervals, her face stark white in the pale glow, and Lena felt a burning pressure behind her eyes. She refused to cry again.

The cab eventually pulled into the bus terminal and she threw a hundred over the seat and climbed out, dragging her duffel bag with her and shutting the door on the cab driver’s spluttered sounds of surprise. Hoisting it onto her shoulder again, Lena peered through the misting rain and followed the signs to the bay her ticket showed. 

Collapsing onto a damp wooden bench beneath the overhand of the terminal, she waited and waited, until eventually, a bus came to a hissing halt before her. A few other people were milling around for the same one, heading south it turned out, and they lined up and waited to board the bus as the rain kept pouring down. 

Presenting the soggy piece of paper with her ticket printed on it, Lena was waved on board by the weary driver, lugging her bag up the steep steps with her. She moved on unsteady feet down the narrow row, breathing in the smell of stale sweat, dust and tobacco that hung heavily in the air. Heading toward the back, she stowed her bag on the overhead rack and ducked into an empty row, sitting in the seat by the window and curling in on herself as she looked out at the rain-soaked street, shining like wet ink in the light of the terminal.

They were at a standstill for fifteen minutes, before the door letting in the cool breeze of the night was shut and the driver settled down behind the steering wheel and the old bus roared to life. With a lurching jerk forward and a loud hissing sound, they were off, the bus quiet with the sounds of whispers and people shifting in their seats. Everyone was subdued and tired, and even Lena found it within herself to fall asleep with the rattling motions of the bus racing along over potholes and past city blocks as it headed away from National City.

The overwhelming sense of relief she felt as the city vanished behind her was enough to make her breath catch in her throat, feeling like a weight had been lifted from her, and she closed her eyes to the impenetrable darkness beyond the window and let herself give in to the exhaustion that tugged at the edges of her mind. 

Waking to the hissing sound of the bus breaking, finding herself jolting forward with the traction, Lena blearily blinked, taking in the hazy shadows as the first streaks of dawn turned the sky grey beyond the window. They were at their first stop, having driven through the night, and she slowly looked around at the other figures slowly waking as a few grabbed bags and climbed off, replaced by new weary travellers.

Then they were moving again, passing through the early morning, and Lena scrubbed at her tired face, eyes gritty and the odour of whiskey clinging to her clothes. She felt unkempt and hollowed out, sitting in her seat as she stared out the window, the sky clear of clouds, the rain having stopped during the night, and Lena found that she didn’t really feel all that better for having left behind all the people who had hurt her. It was a relief to put distance between herself and them, but she still carried that pain with her in her chest.

Onwards she travelled, hours disappearing beneath the wheels of the bus as the driver’s changed and they stopped at gas stations, where she fuelled up on thick, gritty coffee and slim jim’s, anything to keep her going as they stayed the course south. 

Lena had no idea where she was when she finally stumbled off the bus two days later, the smell of salt slamming into her as fresh air chased away the stale smell of the bus she’d grown accustomed to. Bag over her shoulder, she blinked at the sunshine, shading her eyes, and looked around at the small seaside town she’d wound up at.

Seagulls wheeled around overhead, the sound of waves crashing on the beach was audible nearby, and she took in the swaying masts of boats bobbing in the swell of the sea as they stood moored at the docks. Beach shacks selling tackle and supplies for people passing through stood with peeling paint in the sunshine, and Lena breathed in deeply, the smell of coffee and frying food coming from a diner sitting along the docks, and her stomach rumbled at the thought of a proper meal. It had been too long.

Hitching her bag up higher onto her shoulder, she took a few steps toward the diner and caught sight of a flicker of movement out of the corner of her eye as a shadow peeled away from the telephone pole. Turning at the movement, Lena blanched at the sight of the caped figure walking toward her, her face paling as she went taut, heart leaping in her chest.

“What’re you doing here?” she found herself asking in a daze, voice a barely audible mumble as she blinked in surprise.

Hands on her hips, Kara gave her a bemused look, a troubled look in her eyes, yet she still managed to give Lena a friendly smile. “I could ask you the same thing. Going on vacation?”

“Something like that,” Lena flatly replied, her throat and mouth dry as she felt the urge to cry creep up on her again.

A commotion started up at the arrival of the cloaked hero, and faces started appearing in windows, doors opening and people passing by slowing as they gawked at the sight of Kara, resplendent in her cheerleading costume, cape rippling in the breeze as her hair shone golden in the early afternoon sunshine. Lena felt slightly nauseous and her eyes darted around as she paused, watching phones raise as people snapped photos. This was the opposite of running away from her problems.

“I should be going,” she said, turning back toward the Greyhound, which was idling as the bus driver and a few passengers smoked, a grey haze surrounding them.

“Hey, Lena, wait,” Kara said, taking a few hurried steps forward, a dozen feet still separating them, hand outstretched as if to reach out and stop her. “I … I came to see if you were okay.”

Stalking away from her, Lena hunched her shoulders, anger burning slowly inside her as she grit her teeth and forced herself to keep a cool head.  _ “Okay? _ No,” she said to thin air, “no, I’m not okay, thank you for checking.”

“Can we- can we talk? In private?”

Oh, how she wanted to. Lena wanted nothing more than to find an empty room and let every single awful thing she’d thought over the past couple of days come pouring out of her, right down to the buried feelings she had for Kara, which was arguably the worst part of it all. Yet she found herself itching to get away out of overwhelming fear of letting that all come out. 

Once it was out, they couldn’t go back. Lena had tried her hardest to put up walls, to keep everyone at arm’s length so that she wouldn’t surprise herself by secretly falling for someone, yet Kara had managed to sneak up on her. Catching her unawares, she’d made Lena fall in love with her, and not by any fault of her own. Lena just couldn’t help herself. She was the one exception to the rule, her Achilles heel, and now she was staring at the truth, knowing that the moment she allowed herself to accept the truth, to confront Kara with it, it was the moment that the bridge that had connected the two of them would crumble.

Lena was an island, and she didn’t  _ need _ anyone, but it felt the water was rising quickly around her, threatening to rise and rise until it drowned her beneath all the feelings she’d thought she’d been keeping at bay. Yet Kara was here, anxiously checking up on Lena, for no reason that Lena could explain. Kara didn’t know that she knew; there was no conceivable reason for her to be there as Supergirl. Unless she was worried.

Well, if she was worried, Lena was furious, and little concern for how Kara was feeling at that moment. Wounded pride aside, Lena was tired and hungry, itching for a shower and a proper bed and something with some sort of nutritional value to fill her stomach. She wasn’t in any sort of mood to be having a calm conversation with Kara right now. 

“Can’t stop,” she flippantly replied, “the bus will be leaving any minute now.”

“Lena,” called from behind her, voice bewildered and hesitant.

Sighing heavily, Lena rounded on her but couldn’t quite bring herself to meet Kara’s eyes. For all her anger, there was so much hurt that she wasn’t strong enough to see the confusion in Kara’s eyes as she wondered why Lena was giving her the cold shoulder, not even considering the fact that her lies had been uncovered.

“I’m fine, honestly. Don’t worry yourself about it.”

Turning back around, Lena stopped as she watched the bus door slide closed and the engine rumble loudly to life. Rooted to the spot, trapped in the middle of God knows where with the last person she wanted to share the same state with, let alone a tiny seaside town with no escape. And her only mode  _ of _ escape was currently trundling away with everyone safely on board, save Lena, who was suddenly regretting her decision to get off. She couldn’t help but wonder how long Kara had been tracking her though, to be waiting for her when she’d climbed off the bus.

Feeling trapped, Lena looked around with a frantic air about her, desperate to find somewhere to go, and after realising there was nothing, set off toward the tree-lined road her trip had been following in the hopes that a hitchhiker would pick her up.

Hurried footsteps chased after her, and Kara fell into step beside her, boots clicking on the asphalt, cape swishing around her calves and her looming presence making Lena’s bottom lip tremble slightly as she fought the urge to cry. She had to bite her lip and swallow the lump in her throat as she kept her eyes straight ahead, thinking about how ridiculous Kara looked and knowing that she didn’t  _ actually _ think that, but thought she herself was ridiculous for not being able to see past the crest and notice that the person she loved most in the world was behind it.

“I’m sorry about your brother,” Kara blurted out after a moment.

“My  _ brother?” _ Lena choked out, coming to a sudden stop as a strangled laugh caught in her throat and her face lit up with amusement. “Don’t worry, I don’t blame you for  _ that. _ Even if I’ve lost the only person who ever told me the truth.”

There was concern on Kara’s face as she stood before Lena, blue eyes wide and innocent, red cape swishing around her shoulders as she stood there as two people, completely unaware of the fact that Lena knew.

“The truth about what?”

A sharp smile spread across Lena’s face as she looked down at the pitted asphalt, unable to bring herself to look at the woman standing before her. She swallowed thickly, brushing her dark hair out of her face as she felt a twinge in her chest.

“You don’t know?”

“I- wha- no. No, I don’t,” Kara said, brow wrinkling with bewilderment as her expression clouded, wariness flickering in her eyes.

“Lie to me again,” Lena said, her voice soft and sad.

“I don’t know what you’re-”

Raising her head, Lena tipped it all the way back, shoulders slumping as she stood with her face upturned to the cloudy sky. A faint sigh slipped from her parts lips as the tension seemed to bleed out of her, taut expression softening as the corners of her mouth curled up into a slight smile.

“There it is,” she murmured, more to herself than to Kara, feeling the hollowness in her chest.

And Kara sounded so sincere that Lena  _ wanted _ to believe her. She wanted to bask in that blissful oblivion she’d been unknowingly dwelling in for the past few years, to believe that her friend wasn’t lying to her this whole time, to think that Kara had trusted her and understood her, the way that Lena thought she had. The urge to believe that was almost enough for her to give into, the last chance she had to pull the wool back over her eyes and look at the woman before her without seeing Kara at the same time. It would’ve been a cowardly way to escape back into naivety, but the temptation was strong, and Lena found herself pausing for a moment.

But of  _ course _ it was Kara. Lena could see it so easily now, although there was the nagging thought at the back of her mind that told her that perhaps she’d always known. It had always seemed funny that the two blondes had the exact same scar in the exact same place, and how Lena had always been filled with the itching desire to delicately kiss Kara’s forehead right on top of it. It was funny that they both had the exact same eyes, right down to the blown pupil from an accident that Lena had never asked about, or the way the bridge of their nose crinkled in the same fashion when they were troubled. 

So many little details that she’d ignored out of her desire to remain ignorant to the fact that Kara was lying to her. Because if Lena had let herself acknowledge the truth, she would’ve had to face the fact that everything she thought she’d had with Kara, all of that respect for each other and their willingness to defend each other at any cost, was gone, replaced by broken faith and a whole lot of confusion as to why Kara would defend her with one breath while undermining her with a cape at her shoulders. So much of it conflicted, and she found herself breathless with the hurt that bloomed in her chest.

“You know,” Lena softly sighed, “I always wondered why someone so kind and sweet would want to be friends with someone like  _ me _ , with a family like mine. Well, I guess it makes sense to keep an eye on the arch-nemesis of your family, right?”

“It’s more than that- I … well, we work well together,” Kara protested, “we’re friends. I’d never lie to you on purpose, not unless- well, unless it was personal.”

“Personal, huh? Yeah, I guess it is personal.”

“Lena, if there’s something I did- if it’s about Lex, then I-”

She screwed her eyes shut, biting off the words she wanted to shout at Kara, hands balled up into fists and shoulders hunched, and exhaled sharply. “It’s  _ not _ about Lex! It’s not about anyone except me and you and Kara! It’s about the three of us- the  _ two _ of us.”

Letting the weight of her words settle in, she stood taut, wound like a coiled spring, eyes still shut as she listened to the wind in the trees and the distant sound of the waves, waiting for some sort of reaction off Kara. Would she deny it, even now?

Eyelids fluttering open, Lena peered up at the blonde through her eyelashes and took in the grey look of shock on Kara’s face, the open mouth and wide eyes, jaw slack and shoulders slumped as if the wind had been knocked out of her. She floundered for a moment, trying to pull herself together and scramble for an excuse or explanation. Lena didn’t want to hear any of it. Quietly scoffing, she shouldered past Kara, wincing slightly as the blonde stood like a marble statue, immovable and solid, and Lena gently rubbed her shoulder, wondering if it would bruise. It would still hurt less than the bruises Kara’s lies had left on her heart.

“Lena-”

“What do you  _ want, Kara?” _ Lena snapped, whirling around on her with a wounded look in her eyes, pain twisting her expression as it crumpled and she felt her eyes smart with tears. 

It was the first time she’d ever called her by her name in that costume, and it twisted her stomach in a sickening way. She hated the way her name sounded in her mouth as she hurled it at her in anger when she’d only ever said it with tenderness or concern for her friend. It all felt so different now, and as she watched Kara jerk backwards as if she’d been slapped by the name, it only made Lena feel worse. This wasn’t how she deserved to find out, and it wasn’t how she wanted to tell Kara she knew.

“How-”

“It’s funny,” Lena bitterly said, a rueful smile twisting her lips, “that my last moments with my brother, as I stood over him while he bled out, two bullets in his chest, were spent watching a video of you.  _ You,  _ Kara Danvers, doing the impossible, catching bullets and shooting lasers from your eyes. Of  _ course _ Lex would save that for his dying breath, to pull me apart once more before he died. And as I stood there, devastated, it wasn’t at the fact that I’d killed my own brother - don’t worry, you’re not to blame for  _ that _ . No. No, it was about  _ you. _ About how you’d been lying to me all this time.”

They stood there, face to face, for a moment, a haughtiness about Lena as she looked at Kara with green eyes full of pain and tears, while Kara opened and closed her mouth, her own eyes brimming with tears and looking so mournful that it made Lena’s stomach lurch. 

“I  _ trusted  _ you,” Lena whispered, hard expression faltering for a moment as she was unable to keep her mask in place.

“Please let me explain,” Kara breathlessly begged. “Please-”

Gesturing widely, duffel bag thumping heavily onto the road, Lena let out a strained laugh as a pained smile flitted across her face. “Go ahead. Tell me why.”

Pausing for a moment, as if she’d been expecting to have to fight for the chance to explain herself, Kara’s eyebrows rose briefly and her mouth closed, lips pressed in a flat line. Staring at her expectantly, Lena waited, arms limply hanging at her sides, bag lying in the dust at the side of the road, and the shaky weakness of the urge to cry  _ nearly _ overwhelming her.

“I- well, I was trying to  _ protect _ you!”

With a snort of laughter, Lena gave Kara a look of contempt. “That’s the best you can do? What part of the secret was supposed to protect me? Hm? It clearly didn’t work seeing as  _ how _ many people have tried to kill me since I met you?”

“And I’ve stopped them every time!” Kara exploded, a desperate look on her face.

The truth made Lena pause for a moment, her anger shrinking back as she found that Kara was right. Perhaps at the time, Lena had always attributed it to Supergirl, but that had been Kara too, no matter if she hadn’t realised it at the time.

“I’ve  _ always _ protected you, even when you didn’t realise it, because I  _ love _ you.”

The admission fell from Kara’s lips almost unbidden, and it brought her to a sudden stop in her desperate attempt to explain, eyes widening with shock as her lips parted and she sucked in a sharp breath.

With a shaky laugh of embarrassment, Kara raked a hand through her hair, before spreading her arms in a helpless gesture and giving Lena a sheepish smile. “There it is, I suppose. I love you. I love you and I couldn’t lose you.”

Rocked by the declaration of her feelings, Lena took a step back, feet tripping over themselves and scraping on the asphalt, and she blanched slightly. “If you loved me, you wouldn’t have lied to me.”

“I lied to you  _ because  _ I love you!” Kara exclaimed, cheeks pink and expression clouded with frustration. “You think that I wanted to hurt you? I did everything in my power to make sure that  _ never _ happened, and I know I messed up- I know that I- I wasn’t a good friend sometimes, but you made it  _ so difficult _ for me to just be your friend. Yet I never doubted you for a second, not even when you thought that I did. I never once believed you were anything other than good; can’t you give me the same benefit of the doubt?”

A wary look crossed Lena’s face as she swallowed thickly, regret colouring her voice as she replied, “I don’t think that I can.”

“Lena,  _ please. _ You don’t understand- I can  _ catch  _ bullets. I can lift a plane. I can- I can feel needles beneath my skin when I’m around Kryptonite like my skin is being peeled back. But you, Rao,  _ you … _ you’re the only thing that’s ever frightened me. The only thing that’s ever scared me enough to think that I couldn’t survive. Losing you … I couldn’t bear it. I would have rathered keep you in the dark for your whole life, rather than risk losing you because of who I am, what I can do.”

_ “I  _ frighten  _ you?” _ Lena softly asked, a laugh bubbling up her throat and falling from her lips in shaky bursts. “Well, you  _ terrify _ me. You were all I had, the only thing I had left to lose.”

“You still have me.”

Kara’s voice was quiet and meek, a soft plea in her words as if she was begging Lena not to go. There was a sadness to Lena’s smile as she cocked her head to the side.

“And I believe that,” she gently replied, “but you don’t have me. Not anymore.”

“Wait!”

Sighing heavily, Lena gave her a brooding look, growing impatient now. “What do you want me to say, Kara? You lied. You were the  _ one person _ I had. The one person who never treated me differently - as Kara, at any rate - who always defended me, made me feel loved and safe, even without your powers. You were everything I’d never had, everything I  _ wanted _ , but in the end … you were just like everyone else. Do you  _ know _ how that feels?”

Eyes shining with tears and frustration, Kara took a step toward her, a fierce look on her face. “Of course I know how that feels! I know how you feel, and you were the one person who I thought knew how I felt. Do you know what it’s like to be me?”

Her voice trembled, breaking slightly, breath hitching in her throat, and her chest rapidly rose and fell as Kara angrily blinked back tears. 

“I had a family and I thought they were good, but they weren’t. I thought my parents died as heroes, but they weren’t  _ good. _ My aunt- she killed people, and my uncle too, and my mom. And I spent so many years thinking that I’d lost everything, that I was alone in this world. No one could understand. Sure, Alex lost her father, and J’onn lost his home planet, and Brainy’s family weren’t good people either. But no one’s ever understood it all. No one but you. I spent so many years as an island, suffering by myself.”

She trailed off, head hanging in defeat before she let out a faint laugh which tapered off into a soft sigh, before looking back up and meeting Lena’s uncertain gaze.

“And then I met you. I met you, with your family being the way they were, and all that loss that you’ve suffered through, and everyone’s expectations of you because of who your family is. I met you and I didn’t feel like an island anymore. I didn’t feel alone.”

“I just don’t understand  _ why.  _ What would’ve changed, Kara? If it wasn’t a trust issue, if my safety was compromised anyway, then  _ what?  _ Were you afraid that I wouldn't love you back? Because I did- I _do_. ”

Taking a slow step toward her, Kara’s expression softened with tenderness, a sad smile curling her lips as her hands twitched, fingers flexing, before she curled them into fists, stopping herself from reaching out to caress the back of Lena’s cheek.

“I was ... a little too late, and I knew that it had gone well past the acceptable time to tell you without hurting you. I tried to tell you, you know. That day on the plane to Kaznia. I took my glasses off and I stood there, waiting for you to turn around. And then you started talking about trust, and how everyone had lied to you except me. And I … I was a coward. I put the glasses back on, and I told myself I was doing you a kindness because that was the moment that I realised if I told you, I would lose you. And losing you is the only thing that would ever break me.”

“You should know, I would have forgiven you for all of this,” Lena said, “I would have forgiven you for your lies if you’d told me yourself. But you only have yourself to blame for this, Kara. You broke your own heart.”

“Anything. I’ll do anything you want. I’ll make it up to you in any way that I can. Just … don’t go. I don’t want this to be goodbye. I don’t want to lose you like  _ this.” _

With a tearful smile, Lena ran her fingers through her hair and leant down to pick up her bag. Hauling it back onto her shoulder, she paused for a moment.

“I don’t want to lose you either. But I have to take care of myself. I’ve given so much of me away to so many people who’ve hurt me … I don’t know what’s left anymore. I can't love you if there's none of me left to do it.”

“Then tell me that it’s not the last time we’ll see each other,” Kara asked, tears spilling over and running down her cheeks as her lips trembled and she couldn’t hold back her hitching sobs any longer. “I’ll go if that’s what you want, but I can’t let go of you.”

Feeling her heart break a little more in her chest, Lena gave her a surprisingly tender look, shoulders slumped with weary defeat. “We’ll see each other again.”

Breath rushing out of Kara’s lungs, she stood stooped and wrecked with devastation, so far from the strong hero she’d always seemed to Lena in that costume, wiping tears from her cheeks as she nodded in acceptance of what Lena wanted. Distance and time were the only things that Lena could think of that would make it easier for her. There was a part of her that knew that they’d never be the same again, no matter how much time passed, but she loved Kara, perhaps more than the blonde realised, and Lena knew that she could forgive her, eventually. 

She just needed the time to figure things out, to piece together all of the memories of two distinct people as one whole, to make sense of all of her history with Kara  _ and _ Supergirl. Lena needed to go back to the island of solitude within herself, to nurse her wounds alone, to do what she did best. And if the damage was too much, she could pack it all away in little boxes and close the door on that part of her life. She couldn’t do any of that in National City though.

“I want to ask you to do something for me,” Lena hesitantly said after a moment, blinking back tears as she met Kara’s eyes, “don’t come after me. Don’t check in on me, don’t call, don’t text or email or contact me at all. And I promise that I’ll do the same. It’ll be better for us both this way.”

“I’m sorry,” Kara whispered, her voice breaking slightly as she gave her a heartbreaking look.

Against her better judgement, Lena closed the distance between them and wrapped her in a tight hug, feeling the hard lines of her body, the strength in her arms as they wrapped around her, and the burning heat like a furnace, wondering to herself how she could ever have believed that it wasn’t Kara. She  _ felt _ like Kara. All those times she’d hugged her, finding safety in her arms, the gentle way her friend had held her, how had Lena not known?

She allowed herself a brief moment of indulgence with the hug, before pulling back. Holding Kara at arm’s length, Lena stared up into her wide, tearful eyes and felt like she’d been kicked in the stomach. Reaching up with one hand, she cupped Kara’s cheek in her hand and pushed herself up on her tiptoes, pressing a delicate kiss on her forehead, right over that scar, where Lena had dreamt of kissing her so many times. Lips gentle and lingering, Lena hardened her resolve and pulled back, giving Kara a wan smile.

“You said you’d always protect me; now I need your help protecting me from you.”

“Then I’ll make sure you’re not hurt anymore,” Kara quietly promised, her hand covering Lena’s one pressed against her cheek.

And then she gently removed it, holding the fingers tightly in her own for a moment, before she slowly let go, the finality of the moment clear to them both. And although Lena was sure of herself, that she was making the right decision to be able to heal and overcome how deeply Kara had hurt her, it twisted her stomach in a way that felt so wrong that she faltered for a moment, hands hanging by her sides.

But then Kara was gone in a gust of wind, Lena catching a split-second glimpse of her face crumpling before she was gone, before she could call her back, and she was left standing on the side all alone, heart aching painfully and a yearning for Kara so strong that Lena dropped her bag down onto the side of the road and sank down beside it, before falling apart all over again.

* * *

She ended up back in Metropolis, working from her office there, seeking out Sam for the comfort of friendship, although she didn’t tell her  _ why _ she’d shown up at the office, straight off a flight from San Francisco, rumpled clothing and a hollow-eyed look like she hadn’t slept in a week. Her friend didn’t ask any questions, and although Lena was grateful for the company, she missed Kara terribly. 

Weeks slipped by slowly, and she spent all of her free time wandering the city she’d grown up in, visiting places she hadn’t been too in a long while, thinking about Kara and Supergirl and herself. Fitting together all the times Kara had been there for her when Lena had accused her of not being there, just because she’d been wearing a cape at the time, or all the times she’d accused Supergirl of judging her for her family, while Kara had been backing her the entire time. It was difficult to come to terms with, but she did, slowly but surely.

Soon enough her anger settled down into frustrated confusion for the most part, yet her love for Kara still burned as strongly as ever. It burned so hot inside her that Lena didn’t quite know what to do with herself. She wasn’t ready to face her yet, even if she wasn’t angry anymore, because she wasn’t sure that she’d be able to resist giving in to the overwhelming part of her that just missed Kara. Plain and simple, she missed her, despite everything else.

For three months, she lingered in Metropolis, steering clear of the news so she wouldn’t catch glimpses of the rosy-cheeked Superhero holding kittens or lifting cars with ease, or newspapers with her latest heroics splashed across the front page. Lena quit Kara like cold turkey for months, and yet it never got any easier. Her feelings didn’t vanish, and there was the nagging voice at the back of her mind that told her to forgive Kara. 

After months of reflection, Lena knew without a shadow of a doubt that Kara wasn’t wrong for what she’d done, even if it had hurt. How could she blame her for her right to keep a large part of her life a secret? It stung that she trusted other people with the truth, people with powers and their own secret identities, and it wounded Lena’s pride to know that all of her friends were in on it, but she knew that it wasn’t right for her to hold it against Kara for protecting herself. It made Lena doubt at times whether her friend truly trusted her, but in her heart, she knew that Kara had been honest when she’d admitted her feelings. 

She loved Lena, and in the early hours of the morning, when sleep eluded her and she so keenly felt the solitude of her self-imposed isolation, the thought kept her warm, kept her above the rising tide of her hurt feelings. There were moments where she was caught up in the urge to call her, to check if she was alright, not knowing what kind of criminals Kara had been fighting in her spare time, not knowing if she’d been hurt, or how her CatCo articles were coming along. There was so much she felt like she was missing out on, and eventually, it was too much to bear.

Flying back to National City, Lena found everything much as she’d left it. Her penthouse was neat and orderly thanks to the maid that came once a week, her office was relatively untouched, everything neatened up by her assistant, and her business booming in wake of the work she’d been doing from Metropolis. The only thing missing was her friends.

Slipping back into her old life with ease, as if she’d never left, Lena found herself lost in her longing for Kara. There were moments when she could almost believe that she’d show herself into the office, taking full advantage of the free pass Lena had given her before she realised that she’d told Kara not to contact her. For what it was worth, Kara was good at keeping her promises. She’d maintained radio silence the entire time, and she surely knew that Lena was back in town now, but she stayed away anyway.

Until Lena felt like she was at a breaking point. One night, deep into her cups as she stayed at the office long after everyone else had gone home, nearly the whole bottle of whiskey gone and the thoughts of Kara still at the forefront of her mind, Lena couldn’t help herself. Sitting behind her desk, head swimming and heart aching, she picked up her phone and dialled the number she had memorised by heart, even if she’d deleted it from her contacts to resist the temptation.

And Kara picked up like Lena knew she would, the call connecting to silence on the other end as the other woman resolutely kept her promise, even now, and Lena felt something inside her cave. Everything felt so wrong, and she knew she couldn’t keep going on like she was, missing Kara, too full of pride to admit that they’d  _ both _ been right, unable to sleep or eat or think of anything but her. It felt like her world was on fire, and she wanted Kara to come and put out the blaze, to protect her once more, but from herself this time. She was like a balm to Lena’s self-destruction, always there to ease the pain. Except when she wasn’t.

“I know I said I wouldn’t call … I just- I really need you tonight. I miss you.”

She blinked back the tears prickling her eyes as a lump lodged itself in her throat, and Lena rubbed the back of her neck as she stared at the door, wishing that Kara would come sweeping through them with Big Belly Burger or a stack of pizza that had always seemed like  _ far _ too much food to Lena, but now made so much sense. Yet the door was shut, and she was alone in her office, whiskey on the desk and nothing but silence on the other end of the phone.

And then there was a tap on the window behind her, startling her out of her seat as Lena quickly turned around, backing up against the desk as her heart pounded in her chest. Relief swept through her as she took in the caped figure standing outside, phone slowly lowering from her ear and hand pressed flat against the glass.

The phone slipped from Lena’s fingers, smashing as it struck the tiled floor of her office, and her whole body tensed as she stared at the figure standing in the dark, so familiar yet so different. Kara had changed. She had bangs, and was that  _ pants? _

Realising that she was waiting for permission to enter, Lena moved toward the balcony door almost as if she was in a dream, not quite in control of her body and unable to even recall if she’d made the conscious decision to let her in, but doing it anyway. Without even thinking about it, she was opening the door and letting in the windswept figure with the cold breeze.

And then she found herself alone with Kara like she’d imagined so many times over the past few months, her heart in her throat and her hands nervously twisting as Lena couldn’t string a sentence together. What could she say? It had been so long since they’d seen each other, parted ways with wounded feelings and broken hearts, and she hadn’t imagined Kara would fly to L-Corp at the drop of a hat. But she had, and she was there, solid and real and as beautiful as ever, and a yearning feeling tugged at Lena’s heart as she gave Kara an appraising look in her new suit.

“You cut your hair … and got a new suit.”

“You’ve been gone a long time,” Kara softly murmured, a sad smile twitching at the corners of her mouth.

Inclining her head, Lena found herself shy all of a sudden, unsure of what to say. How was she supposed to tell Kara how she felt, about everything she’d had time to think about, how she forgave her and felt like she owed her an apology too, that neither of them had been wrong and neither of them had been right. There was so much that she didn’t even know where to begin, and Lena’s head was swimming from the alcohol, so much confusion warring within her as she slowly moved further into her office.

“I’ve been back for a while now,” Lena quietly replied.

“I know. I, uh, I heard your heartbeat.”

It was such a small thing, but Lena found herself choked up at the fact. She imagined Kara flying at night, eyes closed as she listened to the steady beat of Lena’s broken heart, checking to make sure she was okay, that she wasn’t in danger. It was such a Kara thing to do, and she felt herself slowly coming undone as the air rushed out of her lungs.

“Lena?”

Kara’s voice was so gentle, full of love and concern, and as Lena stood near her couch, shoulders hunched, she felt the ghostly feeling of fingers  _ almost _ touching her, as if Kara had reached out to lay a hand on her shoulder and thought better of it. Lena could swear she could feel the warmth radiating from Kara from behind her, but she couldn’t bring herself to look, even as the back of her neck prickled at the sound of her name and her stomach clenched slightly. She’d missed the sound of her voice so much.

Taking a stumbling step forward, she collapsed down onto the couch, slumped forward in her seat as she braced her elbows on her knees, dark hair spilling in her face and nervous anticipation brimming in the air.

“I’m okay, I just- I didn’t expect you to come.”

“I can go if you’d like.”

Head jerking up, Lena reached out instinctively, hand extended toward Kara with a panicked look on her face. “No! No, please don’t go.”

Nodding, Kara warily drifted closer, and Lena eyed the knee-high red boots and the fitted suit, the ruffled bangs as Kara’s hair softly curled around her face. And her eyes, as blue as ever and full of concern and caution. Lena looked up at her with sorrowful eyes, her hand slowly dropping back down to the couch, and she felt the burning feeling of tears behind her eyes again as the urge to cry suddenly washed over her.

“I missed you,” Kara softly admitted after a moment.

And then Lena came completely undone as a sob worked its way up her throat. Digging the heels of her palms into her eyes, she bowed her head as silent sobs wracked her shoulders, all of her conflicting emotions bubbling up until she couldn’t keep them trapped beneath the surface any longer. It was all too much, and she was overcome with so much longing for Kara that she was tired of being mad and upset. She wanted her arms around her and the security that came with it, the familiar smell of Kara, her sweet perfume and fumes of the city from soaring overhead. Lena wanted to listen to the rumbling sound of her voice in her chest as she rested her head on her shoulder, as Kara told her again that she wouldn’t go anywhere. Lena wanted it all to go back to the way it had been before.

Warm hands wrapped around her wrists as she stood with her head hanging, shoulders shaking, and Lena could feel the burning spots where Kara touched her, setting her skin on fire and only making the yearning in her chest stronger. Yet she didn’t know how to reconcile the part of her that was hurt with the part of her that wanted her. There was so much wrong between them that it would take a while to clean the air and start over, and Lena wasn’t sure she was ready for it right then.

But Kara was kneeling on the tiled floor before her, gently coaxing her into her embrace, and as Lena’s forehead rested against her shoulder, she breathed in the smell of fresh air and smoke from a fire Kara must’ve been at earlier on in the night, the hint of perfume from a busy day at CatCo and the smell of her coconut shampoo. The knot of tension inside her dissipated and she buried her face in the side of Kara’s neck, arms winding around her as she held her close, never wanting to let her go again.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled against warm skin.

She half-rose, still clinging to Kara as she climbed to her feet before she sat down on the couch beside Lena and pulled her against her shoulder. Eyes closing as her breath hitched with quiet sobs, Lena listened to her heartbeat as Kara gently stroked her hair, the feeling of what she thought were her lips in her hair, and she felt embarrassed and ashamed for so many reasons but knew that she didn’t want Kara to go. Never again. There had already been too much hurt between them both, so much lost, but there was so much potential too. She hated what they’d left behind them, but what they could have could be so much more.

“I understand now,” Lena sighed a few minutes later, her voice faint and exhausted, words slurring slightly from the whiskey. “I understand why it was difficult for you to tell me. It’s just you and me; there’s no one else like us.”

“There’s no one else like  _ you.” _

She exhaled fully, slumping against Kara as her whole body went limp, to the extent that gentle hands carefully shifted her down, until Lena’s head was in Kara’s lap, dark hair splayed around her face as she blinked tiredly. There was a warmth in her chest, a spark of hope, and Lena stroked the dimpled fabric of Kara’s new suit, delicately tracing the pattern above her knee as she drew in a shuddering breath.

“I’m tired now. So tired. I just- I just want somebody to love me. Someone to hold me.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Kara replied, voice light, despite the spasm of pain that ran across her features, “not if you don’t want me to.”

“I don’t want to be an island anymore, Kara. I don’t want to be alone. I’ve been so lonely.”

Gentle fingers brushed her hair, her cheek, her arm, and Lena swallowed thickly, pressing into the solid warmth at her back, feeling Kara’s touch everywhere, so real and comforting that relief slammed into her so hard that she felt like it was going to drown her. She couldn’t help the drunken babble of all of her fears that gripped her heart, the panicked feeling that Kara was going to slip right through her fingers, right as Lena was grasping for her.

Yet she felt so completely enveloped by Kara at that moment that it anchored her. Strong arms around her, her cape draped over Lena to keep her warm, her presence so soothing that it was almost laughable at how much Lena had wanted to get away from her the last time they’d seen each other. It had been her own embarrassment and wounded pride that had wanted to run, to get far away before she had to admit she’d been too blinded by her feelings to admit the truth to herself. Now, there was nowhere else she’d rather be.

“I don’t want to lose you.”

“You’re not going to lose me; I’ve always been right here with you.”

“I know. I didn’t realise it at the time, but I know that now.”

“I wish you’d known it sooner.”

“Me too,” Lena said, her voice barely a sigh as her heavy eyelids made it hard for her to keep her eyes open. She was so comfortable, finally able to let go of the knot of unease she’d carried with her for so long, dreading their reunion, in case it all went badly. “But I’m so tired now.”

She could hear the soft smile in Kara’s voice as her fingertips caressed the prominent curve of Lena’s cheekbone, her touch featherlight and tender.

“Sleep. The rest can wait.”

“And you?”

“I’m not going anywhere.”


End file.
